


The Third Billy Goat

by Bonfoi



Series: Severus_Sighs Anti-Valentine Works [2]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Anti-Valentine Challenge, Community: severus_sighs, F/M, HP: EWE, Humor, M/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-04-12
Updated: 2012-04-12
Packaged: 2017-11-03 13:25:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,027
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/381807
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bonfoi/pseuds/Bonfoi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Severus gets to choose—or be chosen—under the watchful eyes of the Malfoys. <i>Oh, happy day.</i></p>
            </blockquote>





	The Third Billy Goat

**Author's Note:**

> **A/N:** Many, many thanks to brilliant Sighing_Selkie for being both sounding board and beta. The title also comes from her suggestion. Think the fairy tale of [The Three Billy Goats Gruff](http://www.pitt.edu/~dash/type0122e.html). Any remaining mistakes are mine. [The original post is linked here.](http://asylums.insanejournal.com/severus_sighs/202796.html)

* * *

§¤§¤*§*¤§¤§ 

**_ Disclaimer:_** The world of Harry Potter, its characters and settings are the copyrighted works of J.K. Rowling, Warner Bros., her publishing companies and affiliates. No profit was made from the writing of this story nor was any malice intended in any way, shape or form to the author or the actors/actresses who so brilliantly have brought them to life. 

This author is not responsible for underage readers. Please observe the ratings, warnings, and age of legal consent for your country.

§¤§¤*§*¤§¤§ 

**Anti-Valentine Day 2012 Prompt #8:**  
Because nothing says 'Happy Valentine's Day' better than a bloody Malfoy smirking on your doorstep.

* * *

Severus put his groceries away. He could hear the neighbours’ children playing in the new playground built on the site of the local’s old parking lot. One thing he could say about the _nouveau riche_ technocrats moving in and renovating everything that didn’t move—and some things that did—they brought a breath of fresh air and noise to the old place.

He pulled his wand from his jumper sleeve and started the fire burning under kettle for his morning tea. He went about his morning rituals without a blink, at least until someone knocked twice and then twice more. Severus stilled, his wand covering the hall as he pivoted and carefully walked toward his heavily-warded and Fidelius-protected door. He muttered a transparency charm and almost swallowed his tongue. 

Narcissa Malfoy stood patiently upon his threshold, her elegant suit speaking more of Madam Chanel than of Madam Malkin. She even wore a tasteful, and _au courant_ , pillbox with a froth of lace falling down over her coifed locks. If he didn’t look at her face, he could almost imagine a very successful land agent come to ask his selling price. In fact, he wished that was exactly what she was, then he wouldn’t have to….

“Severus, dear heart, either open this dismal portal, or I’ll blast it open and damn the International Statute of Wizarding Secrecy,” Narcissa said directly to the door. It was unnerving to note that her eyes were unerringly staring into Severus’ hidden ones.

He put his wand away, wiped unexpectedly damp palms on his wool trousers, and opened the door as if he didn’t know who was on the other side. “Hello.” He waved her in. “Welcome to my humble abode.”

“You aren’t spying for Gryffindors anymore, Severus. No need to pretend you didn’t know who it was.” Narcissa wiped a gloved hand over the banisters and quirked an eyebrow when it came away clean. “I see you’ve changed your slovenly ways. A good indication you took our last conversation to heart.”

Severus barely refrained from rolling his eyes as he led her to his mother’s only Wizarding heirloom, an Edwardian smoking chair that never broke a spring or lost the fluff in its stuffing. Narcissa didn’t bat an eye and primly sat on the edge, her ankles crossed. Severus excused himself as the kettle whistled. 

When he returned, he brought his Grandmother Snape’s Brown Betty teapot, the ‘good’ china cups, and matching silver set consisting of a lidded sugar bowl, a cream pitcher, and utensils, as well two fine linen napkins, on a highly polished oak tray. Behind him floated a three-tiered cake tray filled with macaroons, tiny cucumber and ham sandwiches, and Russian teacakes. He was gratified when Narcissa’s lips curled upward at the corners. 

They took their tea in a companionable silence. Severus poured and served twice before Narcissa patted her lips. Severus muffled his sigh against the rim of his teacup and then gathered everything up and sent it to the kitchen. He didn’t want to have to _reparo_ anything this visit.

“Severus, it’s a week before St. Valentine’s Day. Have you met anyone?” she asked.

“I’ve been busy.” He looked anywhere but at Narcissa.

“I see. Since you promised to abide by my wishes when I saved you from bleeding to death, it’s up to me to help you fulfill your promise.” Narcissa’s smile was steely. “You will be attending the annual Malfoy St. Valentine’s Ball escorting the partner of my choice.”

Severus opened his mouth to vehemently deny going anywhere on such a soppy, misguided day and felt the oath he’d sworn on what should have been his deathbed leeching away his will. He huffed and the feeling of becoming powerless faded away slowly. “Will I at least meet this person before I’m forced into a stifling set of formal robes?” he asked with a whine in his voice.

“You will meet three potential partners. I’ve interviewed them already, and each one of them would make you very happy.” Narcissa leaned forward and Severus did as well. Her voice dropped into a conspiratorial whisper. “I daresay if you don’t want them forever, you can at least have a fiery love affair with any or all of them.”

Severus’ jaw dropped and his eyes widened as he saw the devilry dancing in Narcissa’s blue eyes. “You’re not Lucius polyjuiced as Narcissa, are you?” he finally asked. He shook his wand out of his sleeve and blatantly cast revealing and identification spells. Narcissa laughed softly and shook her head.

“Oh, Severus, I’ve missed your paranoia.” She stood up, a fluid motion that Severus thought was ingrained in all the Black women. Narcissa lightly patted Severus’ cheek. “Do remember that when I send you the information for your first tryst. I’ll see myself out.”

The sound of the front door closing shook Severus out of his stupor. “Bloody hell, why didn’t that damned snake bite down harder?” he muttered.

~o)*(o~

Draco Malfoy delivered a scroll the next day. He stood whistling tunelessly while he waited for Severus to open the door. He didn’t threaten, he didn’t even attempt to break the wards, the insufferable Malfoy scion only smirked at the door knocker between pursing his lips and blowing.

Severus barely opened the door before dragging his former student between it and the jamb. Draco protested, but luckily, he was still sylph-thin and didn’t catch fine his robes on the wood. Severus slammed the door hard enough that the floor shook.

“Severus, godfather dear,” Draco crooned. He wrapped his arms around Severus in a hug which was shaken off just as the scamp began feeling up Severus’ arse. Draco just chuckled. “Mother said you were a bit tetchy.” He wandered into the sitting room without a care, but Severus saw the young wizard’s wandtip poking out of the bottom of his sleeve and he refrained from hexing the swot as he deserved.

“Tell me you’re not one of my potential partners.” Severus stood scowling in the entryway, arms crossed defensively over his chest.

“Harry and Ginevra would skin me alive if I came sniffing around you.” Draco laughed at Severus’ shocked face. “What? You thought I was above both cementing my position in the new Wizarding World and enjoying being part of the ‘It’ couple of the decade at the same time?” Draco flopped down on the old sofa, one leg over the arm.

“You are…” Severus licked his lips at the image of unruly raven hair and lush fiery red tresses laid over Draco’s porcelain skin, then he blinked and shoved it deep, deep down into some subterranean abyss of his mind. “You are a natural Slytherin, as I always told you.”

“You should see your face,” Draco crowed. He tossed the scroll he still held toward Severus. “You’ve got two hours to get ready and get to Cleopatra’s Needle. You’re to wear the boutonniere Mother’s included. Your date will be wearing the same flower.” Draco stood up and straightened his robes.

“What do you know of this person, Draco?” Severus didn’t unroll the parchment, only stared at it with a faint sneer on his face.

“I know nothing.” He smirked at Severus’ disbelieving snort. “Mother has been keeping secrets longer than I’ve been alive, Severus. I’m only the messenger.” He held up both hands. “Unarmed and harmless at this time.” They both laughed, since no Slytherin _ever_ was anything like that.

“Ta-ta for now, godfather. Let me know if I’m to stand surety or congratulate you.” Draco slipped past Severus and was out the door before Severus brought up his wand.

Two hours later, Severus was crushing the miniature asphodel bloom between his fingers. How Narcissa had thought he’d be honored to spend anything but ammunition on the resurrected Regulus Black he couldn’t fathom! The emotionally-stunted dunce had mauled Severus in the middle of the Victoria Embankment, before tourists and good Englishmen and –women. Severus had been mortified when the twat had groped his arse in full view of a school group on a historic walk!

For the first time since his youth, Severus punched another person, laying Regulus out flat. Several women actually came to his side and vowed to tell the bobbies he’d been provoked. Severus had torn himself away from the gaggle and stomped away until he could find a suitable pub within which to drown his disappointment.

~o)*(o~

The next scroll was delivered a whole day and a half later by none other than Lucius Malfoy. How Narcissa had gotten him into an Armani suit and Prada shoes, Severus could only wonder, although the contrast of Lucius’ pale good looks and the rich texture of the dark material of both suit and tie complemented by the pearl pink shirt were eye-catching.

Severus bit his lip and shook away the image of a debauched Lucius tied to a Hogwarts’ bed by that dark tie. He’d have to find a Pensieve for those thoughts or he’d soon be caught daydreaming. Severus closed his eyes and counted to five in ancient Abyssinian before cancelling his transparency charm on the door.

“Just what were you doing behind that door, Severus? Digging an escape tunnel?” Lucius stepped inside, crowding Severus against the doorjamb. The tip of Severus’ nose twitched as he smelled the expensive cologne and he tried to stifle his moan. “Good to know I still have some attractive qualities trussed up like a Muggle playing at being fashionable.”

“You look like you stepped out of a magazine, Lucius.” Severus wriggled away from Lucius and the doorjamb so he could shut the door. He stood a moment with his back to his oldest friend, ruing the day he ever shook the man’s hand, and then he turned to walk toward his kitchen.

“Aren’t you going to invite me in properly?” Lucius asked with a smirk.

“You’ll follow me and like it, Malfoy,” Severus bit out. Lucius followed at his leisure.

There was a cold plate of ham slices, some baked custard, and soft, freshly-baked bread on the table. A dewy pitcher of what smelled like limeade was on the counter. “I was just going to have a bit of lunch. Would you care to join me?” Severus was hoping the simple fare was enough to chase Lucius out of his home without revealing the second scroll. He was disappointed.

“Ah, you received Narcissa’s gift,” Lucius chuckled. “A Wiltshire ham is a wonderful thing. Don’t you agree?” he asked as he seated himself. Severus watched with amazed eyes as Lucius sliced the loaf of bread and then made a ham sandwich. “Do you have any pepperoncinis? They add piquancy to such a simple thing.” He took a bite and Severus had to turn his head at the look of sublime enjoyment on Lucius’ face.

Lucius chewed and swallowed. “Oh, sit down, you skittish thing.” He slapped a scroll on the table. “Don’t read that until we’ve had another sandwich from this delicious ham. I don’t want to spoil my appetite.”

Severus crossed the kitchen and grabbed two glasses from an open shelf. He filled them and set one in front of Lucius. He couldn’t think of anything to say, and although he’d been hungry when Malfoy Elder knocked, now his stomach was twisting into knots.

“Where are your serviettes?” Lucius asked with a look around the kitchen. Severus pulled open a drawer and handed him one of the everyday cotton squares. Lucius patted his lips and sat back with a sigh. “Some days, it’s good to eat like an English earl.”

“There is no way in hell that Lucius Malfoy would sit here, in my kitchen, so comfortably!” Severus suddenly hissed. He set his glass of limeade down and drew his wand threateningly.

“Bloody right, mate.” The Polyjuice wore off with a disgusting popping and shrinking until George Weasley sat at Severus’ table. The fine suit was still quite enticing, even as the pink vied with the flaming Weasley hair. “Took you long enough.” He picked up his drink and drained it in one gulp. “Ah, that does hit the spot. Wouldn’t have thought you’d be so homey, Snape.”

Severus’ wand shook a bit as he cast a whispered _Incarcerous_ upon George. The idiot just laughed. “Mrs. Malfoy said you’d been acting a bit off. You should have done that first thing, but I forgive you. You’re getting old after all.”

“Weasley,” Severus said in a dangerous tone of voice.

“Hey, now! Just read the scroll. I’m only discharging a debt. No skewering the messenger, eh?” George’s grin wasn’t as impudent as when his brother was alive, but the sight of it made Severus loosen the magic ropes slightly. “Knew you’d see I was just doing what needed doing.”

The clock in the sitting room chimed two o’clock and George laughed. “Let me know if this date works out. I’ve got my money on you!” He disappeared in the telltale swirl of a portkey, leaving Severus bemused, and hungry.

“Sweet Merlin, what did I do to deserve this?” he moaned.

The scroll gave Severus directions to a croft in Warwickshire. It gave instructions on how to dress as well. Severus didn’t relish donning his teaching robes once again, but they were the closest things he had.

When he appeared at the croft he realized there was a medieval fair going on at Warwick Castle, thus the camouflage of his robes. He stood listening to a pair of lute players, marvelling at the Muggles who didn’t realize there were more than six lutes playing but the men were only strumming two. He meandered through the fair looking for his fair damsel. He shuddered a bit as he thought of who Narcissa had chosen.

“You needn’t look so thrilled, Professor Snape.” Severus stood stock-still as his head slowly swivelled to the right and then down. He was gazing at a wimple.

“Miss Granger?” he asked.

“Right in one.” She looked up, through her eyelashes, and for an instant, Severus was reminded of Lily. He drew that memory closer, trying to recapture the wonder of _that_ young woman’s companionship before he dunked the Gryffindor know-it-all into the nearest body of water.

Granger forcibly looped her arm with Severus’ and began dragging him in the direction of some tents. He could hear the thud of hooves and a crowd roaring. When they rounded the nearest tent, he saw a joust was in progress. It was somewhat thrilling to see the men showing off their skills, but Severus wished he had someone else nearby. He tried to remove his arm, but Granger had the strength of a rabid lioness and hung on tight.

Without meeting her eyes, he began talking. “Why did you think I might want to meet with you, Miss Granger? I’ve never indicated a student—or anyone with your obvious lack of life experience—would be a suitable partner.”

She laughed and as suddenly as she’d captured him, she set him free. “Professor, I’m not your date.” She pointed to Severus’ other side. Madam Hooch stood there, dressed as a _jongleur_. “Xiomara is.” With those parting words, Granger slipped into the crowd, leaving a gobsmacked Snape behind her.

When he could speak, Severus didn’t choose his words wisely. “I always took you for a cautious witch, Madam Hooch. I also thought you played the other side of the pitch.” The words seemed to surprise him as much as they did Xiomara. However, it shouldn’t have been a surprise when she slapped him so hard he flew arse over ankles to sprawl on the ground.

“You are no gentleman, Snape.” Hooch stepped on his robes for good measure and pushed her way through the crowd. Someone reached down and heaved Severus to his feet, deftly setting him to rights before disappearing as well.

He shook his head. “What just happened?” he asked rhetorically.

A white-haired lady poked him with her cane. “You got your just desserts. Now, I’d like to see my grandson’s joust, if you don’t mind.”

~o)*(o~

When the third scroll arrived, it did so with what amounted to great fanfare. All three Malfoys were on Severus’ small threshold, jostling together because of blustery February showers. He laughed, actually chuckled, before he opened the door wide and ushered them in.

“What brings you all out in such nasty weather?” he asked with a smirk.

“If you’d join the rest of the world and open your Floo, we wouldn’t have to keep appearing on your front doorstep,” Narcissa grumbled as she cast drying charms on herself and her men.

“Good to see you’ve recovered from Cousin Xiomara’s slap, Severus.” Lucius doffed his cloak and handed it to Severus. “What? You didn’t realize she was my cousin, thrice-removed? Those piercing eyes didn’t come without a few Malfoys in that family.” He wandered into the sitting room and proceeded to take over the settee. 

Draco rolled his eyes and conjured an ottoman where he perched. “Two victims down, godfather. You’ve won me a tidy sum from the Weasley brethren as well. Those hooligans actually thought you had tact.” Draco’s laugh was choked off when Severus summoned a pillow to hit him about the head.

“Enough, Severus, Draco. This is a serious errand we’re on.” She settled herself in Eileen’s chair once more, this time unbending enough to let her back touch the cushion behind her. “Severus, you have one more person to meet, and this one has refused almost every overture.”

“Yes. He didn’t want to be exhibited like a piece of art nor did he want it bruited about that you were a sorry case of bachelorhood.” Lucius admired his manicure while he spoke. “He was adamant that you deserved to turn him down sight unseen.”

Severus looked around the trio of Malfoys and thought he’d never seen such a sorry matchmaking crew. Narcissa he could see—she wanted Draco’s children to have intellectual equals if not monetary ones—but Draco and Lucius could care less if he got laid on a daily basis or not—and it showed, more so in Lucius’ case than Draco’s.

“Whoever this paragon is, I say you should listen to him and let me live my life in peace.” Severus crossed his arms and leaned against the wall.

“No.” Narcissa’s voice was soft, but clear. “You promised you would let yourself live, as a sign that things had changed.” She blinked and an artful tear trembled on the eyelashes of her right eye. “If you don’t find someone, I just know there will be more darkness in our lives.”

“Oh, botheration, woman!” Severus exclaimed. “My romantic life, or lack thereof, is no indication of impending dark lord emergence.” He glared as Draco laughed so hard he almost fell off his ottoman.

“You promised me, Severus. You took an oath to join the Wizarding World fully,” Narcissa said.

“Fine! Bloody well fine, then!” Severus threw up his hands as he stepped away from the wall. “Send me on this last date and I’ll still come home alone and unloved.” He almost bit his tongue as he heard the words that came from his mouth.

Narcissa jumped up and hugged Severus. “You won’t regret this last tryst, Severus. I just know it.” Severus looked over her head as Lucius and Draco tittered together.

~o)*(o~

“I should have known it was you.” Severus huffed as Remus Lupin set down his son and let the boy tear off into the flowers bordering the park footpath.

“Narcissa Malfoy drives a hard bargain, Severus. She said you were wasting away for want of a good seeing-to.” Severus almost choked on his tongue as he stared at Lupin’s stiff face.

Teddy came running back before Severus could formulate a rebuttal. The boy’s hands were muddy, but there was a twitching tail sticking out from between his fingers, catching Severus’ attention. He focused on the boy’s hands. “Let me see that if you will, Mr. Lupin.” Teddy hopped from one foot to the other.

“His name’s Teddy, Severus.”

Flashing a dirty look at Lupin, Severus tried again. “Young Mr. Lupin, my name is Severus Snape. May I see what you have in your hands?” Teddy nodded and carefully stretched his arms out and then slowly opened his hands a bit.

“You’ve caught a newt, Theodore.”

Lupin and Teddy spoke in unison. “Teddy.” Severus ignored both of them.

“It’s a very useful potion ingredient.” Severus poked at the newt and it moved sluggishly away from his fingertip.

“This one’s a common newt, Theodore.”

Lupin shook his head and nodded at his son. “Teddy. Say his name with us: Ted-dy.” Severus looked heavenward and began telling ‘Theodore’ about the many uses of newts.

Soon an hour had flown by, Teddy running off to find more potion ingredients for Severus to expound upon. Lupin had become Remus, and then Severus was inviting them back to Spinner’s End for a late tea with jammy biscuits and hot chocolate for ‘Theodore’ and hot tea laced with a dash of brandy for the adults.

~o)*(o~

“You are an underhanded woman, Narcissa Malfoy.” Severus executed a precise turn and dipped Narcissa before she could reply. His eyes flickered to the edge of the dance floor, where Remus Lupin was holding his own with Lucius Malfoy and several of his cronies. Every time they passed by the group, Severus heard bits and pieces of a discussion about Dark Magic’s place in the balance of life. Lucius looked like a proud peacock.

“You had to be exposed to your choices, Severus,” Narcissa gasped out as they completed yet another turn and dip. “Remus was adamant that you meet my nephew. If he weren’t an obvious Gryffindor, I’d say he had natural Slytherin tendencies.”

Severus smirked. “The man’s been keeping secrets longer than Draco’s been alive, Narcissa.” His lips relaxed into a small smile as he remembered hearing almost the same words from Draco’s lips. “He was also the brains behind the pranks that weren’t malicious during our Hogwarts’ years.”

“How is it you forgave him _now_ , Severus?” 

The music slowed and became a stately waltz. Severus swung Narcissa around, her skirts belling out around her ankles. He leaned close enough to whisper in her ear. “The man’s got bedroom skills most others have only dreamt of, and I’m the focus of all that energy and attention. It’s actually gratifying.” Narcissa’s cheeks were pink when he waltzed her into Lucius’ arms.

Severus stood at Remus’ side, a one-sided grin on his face. In his formal robes, austere enough to be duelling robes if anyone so much as looked askance at Remus’ presence, he made a striking figure. Remus’ evergreen robes, a gift from the Malfoys, brought out the golden specks in his changeable eyes. They made a handsome pair one Pureblood matriarch complimented them. 

“I’d say ‘a penny for your thoughts’, but I remember that look from this morning,” Remus said softly, his lips barely moving. 

“I thought your eyes were closed,” Severus said just as softly. His fingers brushed the back of Remus’ hand. 

“I was in bed with you. How could I sleep?” Remus tangled his fingers with Severus’. “Now, I just found out from a grinning blond that you still have a room here in the manor. What say we christen it?” He tugged Severus’ hand.

“I’d say you should only listen to Draco if he’s helping us find more horizontal surfaces.”

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_~~~ Comments, like rain in the desert, are greatly appreciated.  
Thank you for reading. ~~~_


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